If I told you I was freaking out, you wouldn’t believe me.
I don’t think I would believe myself, either. I don’t FEEL like I’m freaking out, but I know I’m kinda…tense, that’s for sure.

I just hope there aren’t any mishaps.

Not only is this the airport thing, but Brian’s here and he’s my mom’s boyfriend. He’s okay. Okay, I lie. I don’t like him much, honestly. I dunno. And they never do anything but sit around and watch TV or movies. HOW is that entertaining enough to warrant driving an hour and a half?
I have NO idea.

Especially as an adult. As a kid, as a Jessica, sometimes, you gotta be a lazy SOB. But, I dunno, just I don’t see it.

So, because of this, my house is highjacked. As in I have to be warry when going out of my bedroom, and my mom is no longer mine.

But whatever.

I’m going away for two weeks, remember? Yeah. I’m hoping that it will be good. I don’t see why it wouldn’t – not like it could be any boringer than anything I’ve ever done before.
It’ll probably be like being at my Aunt’s, only less busy. And I’m not saying I don’t like my Aunt’s, because I like it. Just, the same kind of thing – being there and then doing whatever and then eventually coming home, y’know?

Sometimes, I just want to leave. Be like fuck this, and leave.
I don’t know where I’d go, but this living at home thing…I’m not getting anywhere.
And I’m not GOING to get anywhere so long as I stay here. It’s like…just not gonna happen that way – getting anywhere while living here.
I want to go and I want to live and I want to be…away.

I don’t know.
Just, get out, find people, and BE.
And not here.

I love my mom and all, but sometimes…I just wanna rip her throat out. Ja. Like how she drives and texts at the same time. OH that pisses me off. Because she’s not very good at it. And swerves everywhere. And how she is all on her own timeframe. I understand that happens when you’re a human being, but you also have to understand that the world doesn’t stop for you. I think mom’s kinda forgotten that.
It’s nice, though, having mom be on her own, not having to be with dad and all, dealing wtih what dad would say blahblahblah. Like, not like he was repressive or anything (he was a bit, but every marriage-thing is, you know?), but now it’s mom’s rules and hers alone.

And Cody hasn’t texted me since yesterday morning.
I texted him earlier, told him I’d talk to him sometime later, whenever.

Sometimes, I have to fight the urge to text him and be like “I love you.” I have that problem a lot lately. The whole wanting-to-tell-people-I-love-them.
Happens for some people oftener than others, though, and Cody’s at the top of the list.
I really do like him, you know. Haven’t you noticed?

I feel like going mental. Like, headbanging mental like.
Marilyn Manson’s a good sountrack for that, as well. “Target Audience” is an AWESOME song.
Sometimes, you just gotta rock out, you know? Get it out of your system, before it gets any worse. Like…before explosions happen.

CAN YOU SAY MANIA? I can, it’s a five letter word, I’m good with them.
Not too bad, mai-n-ee-ah.
Kinda how you say it.
Ish. Three syllables, I know that much.
You know, the syllable-clapping thing. Learned that in first grade, never lost with that one.

The past few days, I haven’t wanted to make anything of myself. It’s kind of depressing. Just…wanted to be a lazy bum. I know I don’t mean it. Then again, I might mean it.
I’m not sure which one I mean. Do I wanna be this “successful person” or this lazy bum? I don’t really know.
It’s kinda fifty/fifty.
It’s also very frustrating. People could be like “oh what do you wanna do when you grow up” and my honest to god fucking answer is “I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE, STOP ASKIN’ ME DAMMIT!!!”

Nobody’s asked me that in a while, though, so that’s nice.
Well, other than the IM thing the other day, but that’s different I guess.
But still, nobody’s askin’ me. I sure hope they don’t start that up again. Because it’s hella frustrating. Because there’s no answer for ‘em.

I wanna stay home and listen to music and get high.
NO, get a hippy van, then take it out in the desert, like in “Breaking Bad”  (TV show about a meth dealer – basically, anyway. Like “Weeds”, but that’s about pot). So get the hippy van, and go out in the desert, and just listen to music and take acid.
Then, become famous for the next “Alice in Wonderland.”
EPIC. You’ve gotta admit, that’s a good story.
I think it is.

Of course, though, it has to be acid. Or LSD. But that is acid. Or meth. Meth’d be fun, but it’s highly addicting and does that shit to your face (nastly lesionythings, they’re gross). Or cociane. I hear that’s good, too. Or shrooms, though that’s acid.
But something like that, anyway.

Gosh I’m glad I thought of this.
It’d be awesome.
AWEOSME.

Song lyric, this time. From “Target Audience”.